


"If he's a pretzel at home, he can be a pretzel anywhere."

by Slenderlof



Series: The lovely world of Percilot. [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Innuendo, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4095211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slenderlof/pseuds/Slenderlof
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kingsman meetings are basically a excuse for A* level banter - something Percival and Lancelot are always happy to deliver.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"If he's a pretzel at home, he can be a pretzel anywhere."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! First Kingsman fanfic I'm publishing, I hope you all like it, and any and all feedback is most welcome!

The Kingsman knights were elite, some of the worlds best. Fuck James Bond, they were the real, brutal, kick ass spies of the world.

Of course, that doesn't mean they don't act like immature, pubescent teenage boys stuck in boarding school.

The knights sat around the table, in the midst of a heated discussion about a upcoming mission. As usual, Arthur sat at the head, with Merlin on one side, Galahad on the other. Next to Merlin, Lancelot was grinning as usual, legs crossed and hands on his knees under the table. Percival was sat next to his husband (Yes husband, they got married in the Netherlands in 2000. In Percival's defence, it was all Lancelot's fault) as normal, side-eyeing Percival before turning his attention back to Arthur somewhat grudgingly.

“With all due respect, I believe Lancelot would be a better fit for a gymnastics teacher.” Percival said bluntly, raising his voice to cut above the other knights vague chatter about who should go. It was a delicate mission, protecting a Olympic medallist from assassination on her way from the UK to Germany. It was only a three day mission, but Kingsman had been called in to keep the whole thing under wraps. Something about the women not wanting to look weak or scared. Percival had to admit, the girl was going to go far, she had the guts and brains to do well in this world. She'd done a fair few speeches on equality – thus the death threats. 

“Percival, I get you think the world of your husband, but I did gymnastics for twenty years.” Bors cut in, leading them back in the circular argument that had been going on for the last five minutes. Lancelot or Bors. Sure, Bors had been a competitive gymnast, but that was well over thirty years ago. Percival rolled his eyes as everyone started to argue over it again. Children, he decided, he worked with fucking 5 year old children.

“I'm not showing a bias for him Bors. Lancelot can't do a lot of things,” Percival stated. Lancelot stomped on Percival's toe in mock offense, but Percival ignored it, carrying on. “Hell, he's a trigger happy arse with serious fucking issues.” A glare was thrown his way as well from his husband, but was also ignored easily. There was a vague throbbing sensation in his toe, and Percival noted to make Lancelot pay for that later.

“But, and trust me on this, he is far more flexible than you.”

There was another murmur from around the table, with one agent spluttering out his coffee and another snorting with laughter. Percival felt slightly smug as he watched the reactions of his colleagues.

“Very funny Percival.” Bors said through tight lips with clenched teeth, frowning considerably. Percival simply mimicked his husbands insufferable grin, leaning back a little in his chair so he could address the entire group of knights.

“I have been married to that man since it was legally possible, I can assure you that if he's a fucking pretzel in bed, he can be a human pretzel just as well anywhere else.” Percival said bluntly, earning another shocked sound from most knights. Merlin reached around Lancelot and slapped Percival on the back with a grin, while Galahad nodded ever so slightly from across the table. Arthur looked vaguely sick, frowning and clearing his throat to instantly gain everyone's attention. Percival knew most of them weren't really homophobic as such – excluding Arthur of course. He was about as homophobic as they come.

“If nobody has further objections, I'll put Lancelot on the case then.” Arthur said bitterly. Bors was looking very pissed off by this point, while Percival was still grinning away just like Lancelot, side-eyeing each other with a vaguely fond look among their smugness. They all knew Bors wanted the mission, since if he didn't get it he'd be stuck in the office for nearly a month solid. But at the end of the day, they also knew Lancelot was just plainly a better choice for the mission.

“Well, just so long as he can bend far enough to get his head out of his ass.” Galahad muttered, causing another eruption of either shock or laughter from the other knights. While they were laughing, Galahad pulled a pained face at Merlin, and Percival was 90% sure Merlin had just reached across the table to kick Galahad in the nuts for the comment. As the only other queer knights currently at the table, the four of them had a interesting friendship based off the homophobia and shit they'd all experienced. Well that and making as many gay jokes as they possibly could.

“You've got a point, it's fairly far up there.” Percival replied casually as they all quieted down, biting his cheek to try and stop the cheeky grin forming on his lips. Lancelot stamped on his foot again under the table, digging his brown heel into Percival's leather Oxford's hard enough to leave a small scuff mark. 

Percival replied to the stomp by twisting his leg around Lancelot's, wrapping both his legs around one of Lancelot's and squeezing tightly on the calf's. Lancelot instantly looked slightly uncomfortable and a little bit aroused, so Percival let go, job done as he gave Lancelot a more bitchy side glare. One that screamed he was getting vengeance for the stomping later.

A few minutes later, talking about some sort of exploding lighter currently being tested out, Lancelot began to run his hand over Percival's knee. Percival let him, focusing on Arthur, until the hand began to travel upwards. Percival let out a long sigh that interrupted Arthur and turned his head to glare at his husband once more over the brim of his glasses.

“Lancelot, I swear to god if you don't remove your hand right this instant your bony ass is going to be sleeping on the sofa tonight.” Percival announced, getting a fair bit of joy from the other agents snickering and amused expressions. People seemed to think he was some boring, stick up the ass kind of guy, and he got a real kick out of breaking that vision of him every chance he got. Honestly, where did it even come from? Was he serious? Sure. Professional? Of course. Traditional and respectful? No fucking way. He was a Bisexual who got kicked out at 16 and killed people for a living for fucks sake.

Lancelot dropped his hand and pouted, well aware everyone was listening to them now. Well, apart from Arthur, he was groaning with his head in his hands – something about lovestruck puppies and Kingsman and retiring. “Play nice Percy, everyone's watching us.” Lancelot teased, pinching Percival's thigh through his suit before putting both his hands back on top of the table.

“James, I am going to ram my foot so far up your bloody arse when we get home you'll be limping for a week.” 

“Well aren't you kinky Percy?”

Percival rolled his eyes with a exasperated sigh, but the fond little twitch of his lips as he looked away from his husband was clear.


End file.
